Guess who...

Identify who said the following:

I have no doubt that … a trend of global warming exists. I am not sure that it is fair to say that it is a problem we must wrestle with. To assume that it is a problem is to assume that the state of Earth's climate today is the optimal climate, the best climate that we could have or ever have had and that we need to take steps to make sure that it doesn't change. First of all, I don't think it's within the power of human beings to assure that the climate does not change, as millions of years of history have shown. And second of all, I guess I would ask which human beings — where and when — are to be accorded the privilege of deciding that this particular climate that we have right here today, right now is the best climate for all other human beings. I think that's a rather arrogant position for people to take.

a.) U.S Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who once, on the Senate floor, called climate change "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people."

b.) The spokesperson for Peabody Energy, the world's largest private sector coal company.

c.) The administrator of a federal agency committed to "advancing U.S. scientific, security and economic interests."

Guess what: while Inhofe probably would say this and God only knows what goes on at Peabody, this little gem actually came from the head of NASA. Awesome.

You figure it out.

I overheard someone reminiscing about friends. They said...
"My friends and I..."
Whoa. Stop right there. Friends? And you? Hanging out? Major. So what do you and these friends do? Listen to the latest Top 40 Billboard hits? Dance to these hits? Maybe a little basketball, sports, and when you dribble by them you yank their pants down, because it's funny! And then you'll all go for a dip, a little swim in the local pool, and you'll do the sickest water jumps. The cannonball. The jackknife. The gainer. The incontinent lush. The promiscuous older sister. Ha! I made those last two up! That's how reckless we were as kids, the friends and I. We didn't let stodgy old farts tell us how to do our water jumps. We came up with our own shit, man. We improvised. Sign o' the times. The "geriatric transsexual substitute teacher". Total classic. The "inconvenient truth". You did this one when you had to pee real badly and hadn't been in the pool for a bit. The "precocious onset of puberty". That one was the most popular and got the most attention, although it also stood the best chance of getting you pregnant.

Ah, friends, they were great. Sit around during the summer with your pals, maybe listen to a little Garrison Keillor, then rep it like you hailed from Lake Wobegon. But everyone knew you didn’t. They called us posers. Posers? Please! They were just jealous of that Mini ‘Sota flavor you rocked. And you talked like them, too. Affected a nice accent. And your mom would get all pissed and tight in the pants. Say Garrison was no good and that he objectified women and called them ho’s and how she didn’t trust people from Minnesota, and how they smelled funny. But when she saw one of them she’d be so polite. “Oh, I love lakes! And all the gophers! You must feel so lucky, growing up with all the gophers! And your cheese is splendid!”

Minnesota. Always made me think of baking soda. That was a lie! Baking soda. It was more like baking detergent. Clean my Girbauds in that shit. They probably called it baking pop in Minnesota. What the hell was it for? You would always be making some treat, a delicious batch of muffins or something, and you’d get down towards the end of the ingredients list and see B.S. sitting there, like an unwanted guest. Baking soda? Who invited you! You taste like shit! And it was always so pointless, when you were only allowed to put in like 2/8ths of a teaspoon. What good would that do? But you know that there’s someone out there in the world eating muffins, and they’re like, “ Ah, ack! Where…you can’t even taste the baking soda in this!” Must be diet baking soda; Baking Soda Zero. But at least it didn’t give you diabetes, at least you got to keep your toes. Baking soda had that going for it.

But baking soda was an uninvited guest, like that awkward kid in elementary school who overhead you say in class that you were having a party at Chucky Cheese and then showed up there himself and tried to play it off as a coincidence You didn’t just stop by Chucky Cheese on a lark! It was not the Olive Garden! This was an event. You’re never just “in the neighborhood”, unless you lived under the highway underpass, which, in retrospect, that kid might’ve. Like anybody says “in the neighborhood”, anyway. You were not! You’re a party crasher! You’re worse than baking soda!

Chuck Cheese. In my town it was called Showbiz Pizza. That’s fun. You got to be in The ‘Biz. Funny thing though: I expected more hookers and blow in The ‘Biz. But I know Michael Bay likes a slice of ‘za, and they did that right. And then sometime Chuck moved in on Showbiz’s turf. Kicked the joint to the curb. The show was over. Chuck rolled up in the spot, all loose like he was your chum. But let’s be honest – he was a giant rat. Could you really trust your kid’s birthday party and pizza to this character? And he totally rode the employees. “ Hey, bud, it’s Mr. Cheese to you. Charles Montgomery Cheese. Catch you slippin’ again and I’ll have one of my animatronic, hillbilly bears lodge a skee-ball up your ass.” Chuck was a real ball buster. But he didn’t get to the top of the birthday pizza party game by letting things slide. He was a ruthless businessman; you fucked with the pizza king, bitch, you’d get sliced! That was an industry specific joke. Sliced like a pizza, you know. It’s a joke, and not true. The reality was, if you crossed Chuck, he’d just come after you with a baseball bat with a nail in it, wrapped in barbed wire and dipped in mutagen.

Illth

Illth~
Defined by John Ruskin, 1860

Wealth, therefore, is 'The possession of the valuable by the valiant'; and in considering it as a power existing in a nation, the two elements, the value of the thing, and the valour of its possessor, must be estimated together.

Whence it appears that many of the persons commonly considered wealthy, are in reality no more wealthy than the locks of their own strong boxes are, they being inherently and eternally incapable of wealth; and operating for the nation, in an economical point of view, either as pools of dead water, and eddies in a stream (which, so long as the stream flows, are useless, or serve only to drown people, but may become of importance in a state of stagnation should the stream dry); or else, as dams in a river, of which the ultimate service depends not on the dam, but the miller; or else, as mere accidental stays and impediments, acting not as wealth, but (for we ought to have a correspondent term) as 'illth,' causing various devastation and trouble around them in all directions; or lastly, act not at all, but are merely animated conditions of delay, (no use being possible of anything they have until they are dead,) in which last condition they are nevertheless often useful as delays, and 'impedimenta,' (Unto this Last, 1860)

Bigger than Hogzilla

Jamison Stone's father says the hog his son killed weighed a 1,051 pounds and measured 9-feet-4 from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail.

DANG-O! SAUSAGE FOR A YERR!

byoh

http://www.dinnerinthesky.com/

This made me think of John

Some guy really wants Portland to draft kevin durant.

Thriller, with a twist

I, for one, would love to know what the geopolitical implications here might be. I can't figure it out, but I'm pretty sure that the world is somehow flattening even more.

Yes!

bitchin'.

And now for the first of (hopefully) many editions of...

Boston Globe or The Onion?

The rules are simple. Two of the following stories come from Boston's highly esteemed local paper, while one was written strictly for entertainment. Try to guess which story was not written by professional journalists.

Howard Stern Organizes Women's Health Symposium

NEW YORK–Citing his "responsibility as a public figure to the betterment of the community" and his "longstanding commitment to issues of concern to women," talk-radio personality Howard Stern announced Tuesday the First Annual Howard Stern Women's Health Symposium.

Al Gore says he's out of love with politics

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Former U.S. vice president Al Gore says he has "fallen out of love with politics" and does not want to run for president although he has not ruled it out completely.

O'Connor: Court should follow precedent

WASHINGTON --Retired Justice Sandra Day O'Connor says the Supreme Court should generally follow its prior rulings so the public has confidence that laws do not change just because justices come and go.

Hello Friends
Who is planning
to attend
the graduation '07
up in green, Vermont heaven
this weekend after next
to hear Bill speak and...relax.

The rhyming really trips me up.

Anyone else descending upon dear Middlebury to hear Mr. Hillary Clinton bash my favorite candidate? And by that, I mean deliver what will no doubt be a ridiculously stirring speech? Hope to see many of your faces there.

This may put a smile on your face...

(it just gets better and better the more you watch it)

Help me I'm drowning in office

On days that are slow,
I turn to Cheers Bro

Today is damn slow,
I turn to Cheers Bro.

Even this poem is slow,
I turn to Cheers Bro.

Shoot me please yo
I turn to Cheers B---.

i'm dead

A picture is worth a thousand words

(this really captures how I feel today)


(more towards how I have felt at the end of every day of my working life)

nostalgia.

A Shout-Out

Salient observations from a co-worker...

Working is Web-surfing

I, like most everyone I graduated with, started working shortly after graduation. We report to a mass of cubicles each morning where everything is just like it was the morning before. Sure, the specifics may have changed, but the general tenor remains constant. Over time we get better at our jobs but there is always that lag between when you really pick up the pace and when your boss realizes and gives you more work to fill the void. That gap is the thing we all wait for. In fact, that gap is the thing we all work for because of one simple fact:

Working is web-surfing.

We do live in a unique time. There are groundbreaking medical and technological advances made each and every day. Our political landscape, depressingly screwed up though it is, is constantly shifting. We have reached a time when it might be neat to play a part in one of these discoveries or headline-grabbing events, but the most satisfying feeling comes from breaking a story to those other twentysomethings seated around us. Of course, we didn't do any of the legwork or research, but we present the news with the smug satisfaction of the original broadcaster.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

“An Ode, in various capacities, to Boston, Women, the UN and the 2008 US Presidential Election”, or “McCain no vote for you no more”

Oh, we gonna get together real soon,
More you n’ me than Bahn ki Moon,
Red Bones gimme brisket, Adam’s rib gave us women, but men still owe Her,
Confusing Adams apple displayed by Anne Coulter,
Typing on my Apple, pass the roaster,
‘bout six pieces raisin bread up in the toaster.
Bit an apple and we ended up here, how you like them apples?
Must taste good, cause presidential caucuses up in the chapels,
Hilary, can’t get down with her cause she’s opportunistic,
Q: “What politician isn’t” Okay, true, but get this:
Tight with Sen. Brownback, they Royal cozy,
Tight with immigration like her name was Sarkozy,
And, no doubt, I admit she’s a smart cookie, Hilary,
So be a woman: push the ban on handheld artillery,
Despite her new buddies, truly she’s still polarizing like Rayban,
And Red folks? That a joke? Support a marriage between gay-ban?
And did I really read about intelligent design? Come on, please.
Teach the children about the civil union birds and the bees,
Dug the bold statements by a few republican candidates,
Respect to their new found campaign irrelevance,
Great plan: condoms and sex-ed < abstinence, makes perfect sense!
And lapses in the greater come at no medical expense! (wait…)

To be continued?

st. patty's parade

ari sweet dude

Dougie’s Diary

July 30, 2004

12:05 am Order room service- charge it to Nomar 's room - tried to spell out garciaparra- finally just screamed charge it Nomar's room and make it quick.
12:20 Order third porn movie of the day1
2:40 Filet Mignon with a side of chicken parm arrives
12:46 meal finished- calls back to room service- orders 2 piece of cheesecake charges it to Terry Francona's room
12:55 dessert arrives
12:57 dessert demolished- dougie strips down and take his pre bedtime swings naked in front of the mirror
1:30 can't sleep calls nomar's room and says in a spanish voice" this is omar minaya you have been traded to the Montreal expos- nomar cries- dougie calls him a @#%$ and tells him to go ice his pinky toe
1:45 calls derek lowe's room and tells him he has been traded to the pawtucket red sox2:00 am can't sleep - goes skinny dipping in the hotel pool
3:00 am finally falls a sleep after killing it for the third time today and another peice of cheesecake
9:55 wakes up- kills it- then takes a shower and shaves- leave one stripe down his chin-tells himself he is a stud who hits bombs
10:15 takes 30 hard cuts naked
10:20 gets dressed- tight jeans- cowboy boots and tanktop heads off to park10:22 leaves note at front desk- please tell derek lowe and nomar to call john henry asap- leaves them a 900 number to call
11:00 arrives at ballpark- give dead leg to shilling and tells him to shut the @#%$ up for once
11:15 tells nomar he heard he is being traded to the expos for 3 pieces of @#%$ and some toilet paper
11:17 ask nomar if his @#%$ is still sore
11:18 steps on nomar's heel- tells him to quit being a @#%$
11:30 chest bumps wakefield11:45 pulls shilling aside with a flying tackle and screams in his face- if you weren't such a loud mouth i would be catching Randy every 5th day instead of chasing knuckleballs to the backstop. tells he got rocked in new york and stop pitching like suck a @#%$- rips shilling wallet from his backpocket and and takes his cash
12:00 tells derek lowe- what the @#%$ are you doing here- i thought we already traded your @#%$ weak ass sinker ball headcase @#%$ carcass-gives lowe a wedgie and farts in his face
12:15 screams out loud- "we trade nomar yet?"
12:45 orders chicken parm1:25 finishes eating- heads out to bp
1:30 gets put in nomar bp group
1:42 throws nomar out of the cage
1:50 hits 13 of 20 pitches 400 feet foul- misses other 7
1:52 nomar gets back in cage- calls him and his wife gay- throws baseballs at nomar heels- hope he trips and hurts himself
1:55 reminds nomar that the sox dropped ther offer from 15 to 12 million-tells nomar they are having a party tonight when they trade him
2:15 takes 45 minutes nap- gets ready for deadline-dreams he hit game 7 dinger onto the mass pike- wakes up sees nomar and is pissed3:15 announce to clubhouse- "nomar or @#%$ down lowe get traded yet ?"
3:45 bad mood takes over as it is the trading deadline and he sees nomar has not been traded
3:58 clubhouse closed to reporter- theo walks in- announes see ya @#%$-does a sack dance in nomar face
4:02 team notified of nomar's deal- leads chants in nanananana hey hey hey goodbye
4:10 bullshit do lowe not traded- tells him he is getting racked tonight- stuffs him in his locker
4:15 high fives luccino and bear hugs theo- theo stunned
4:30 tells francona they should have trade Francona and schilling to Wilkes Barre-
4:33 francona runs away- dougie catches him and give him an atoimic wedgie- tells him to @#%$ bunt the runner along every now and then; francona runs and hides behind schilling.
4:45 makes plan for post game celebration nomar traded party at local nightspot
4:50 grabs schilling's wallet and takes out cash to pay for party
5:05 announces today is a good day-

With that, I bring you Doug Mirabelli's doubleheader on 7/22:
9:00 shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands- farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror-screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight "
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto RT 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off-gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park- tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month- asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend merloni
10:27 takes a sh*t- leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs derek lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey's Headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting 250-no music. 10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game " 10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this : 375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S
11:17 writes back response to to fan's Letter "Hey P*ssy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for p*ssies like your boyfriend Nomar "
11:30 Walks out to batting pratice with a tantkop on
11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts- hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang nomar for mixing in a curve after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie- calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker 12:15 Tito posts lineup- Dougie sees he is not the DH- Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets nakes and take 25 cuts in front of the clubhouse mirror- annoucing "Dougie is going deep tonight "
12:45 Takes a sh*t- uses Nomars 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his ass-
1:05 game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind schilling
1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the Bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in- Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at trenton by 7 tonight 1:55 dougies 4 fenway frank arrive- pays with nomar's credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and wake
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 sox lose game- Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'D him-Francona runs away 5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p*ssies
5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair- 11 foul- all pulled- he missed 15 pitches 6:00 Dougie see name in lineup- calls francona a p*ssy for batting him 8th- francona hides behinf schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight
6:30 dinner arrives- 2 steaks from the capital grille- dougie pours steak juice into nomar's locker- makes d lowe eat the fat
6:35 dougie gives d lowe an atomic wedgie
7:00 tells wakefield the show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first- dougie tells francona it must be the catching
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep
7:27 dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall- coasts into second. almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher he fastball sucks- tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it-
8:15 dougie ropes a rocket to third- third baseman takes all day and still turns two on dougie-8:16 fans boo dougie
8:17 dougie tells family fo 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout8:18 dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay- he did not want to run the bases anymore 9:10 dougie fans on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher- catcher and ump all p*ssies
9:30 9th inning - dougie is exhausted- walks out to the mound and calls embree a p*ssy and tells him to just bring the heat- dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers- and walks around the clubhouse naked- tells dan shaugnessy and gordon edes to blow him-
9:55 dougie shaves - and leaves a goatee 1
0:00 Knocks nomar off his exercise bike- calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse 10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans- gives the bird to everyone near him
10:25 arrives at Kowloon on RT 1 1
0:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn- goes for a dip in his above ground pool 12:10 leaves tighty whitey's on his neighboor's windshield
12:15 walks into house nakes and screams "who saw my bomb i hit tonite???"
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 cuts naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 dougie passes out on couch

Click on me for the magic

larry learning.

The essential importance of balance was embodied in the Hebrew word for wisdom, chochmah, which ancient peoples understood to evoke the combination of both heart and mind in reaching a decision.

from here.

Ivan

There once was a cat named ivan
and he thought he was the shit
then came one day with and we wanted to play
but all he could do was sit
it wasnt his fault so much as the fact
he had a big problem called loads of fat

summer came along
and his owners were gone
so with no place to stay he made his way
to Wisconsin as a last resort
he got to the door and to his abhor
a coyote was there to tap dat'

The moral you see is
Ivan's making a plea
Someone oh someone
Please take me.

Lessons from the Motherland

---------- Forwarded message ----------

You MUST read these out loud-
(preferably with a Chinese accent)

* That's not right ................Sum Ting Wong
* Are you harboring a fugitive?....Hu Yu Hai Ding
* See me ASAP......................Kum Hia Nao
* Small Horse .....................Tai Ni Po Ni
* Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
* I think you need a face lift ...Chin Tu Fat
* It's very dark in here .........Wao So Dim
* I thought you were on a diet ..Wai Yu Mun Ching
* This is a tow away zone .......No Pah King
* Our meeting is next week ......Wai Yu Kum Nao
* Staying out of sight ..........Lei Ying Lo
* He's cleaning his automobile ..Wa Shing Ka
* Your body odor is offensive ...Yu Stin Ki Pu

In case of a problem

to be or not to be. genotypicly we would think. that life is so phenotypicly bland any sort of atypically introduced abnormality would be nothing more than typically fruitful. but when looking at this plundering cascade of doubt and confusion it is glaringly obvious that while people may say this and that additionally is conditionally dependent upon the other.

i will have to righteously and fervently disagree and say this is ridiculously overdone.

nothing rhymes with awkward
so this poem will not rhyme.
in the mailroom, hello
becomes "what are you doing?"
"you mean, what am i working on?"
"uh yeah"
"stuff"
"ok"
"i'm sorry, what's your name"
"i work in fundraising. i got a job offer"
"oh, here? congrats!"
"no"
"oh, well congrats anyway"
"ok, see you around"
poems can be literal too.

Transformer Shoes!

"I can't decide what to wear", moping, she said

while looking for shoes under the bed.

All of a sudden, evil green dude

jumps out at her, he's super rude.

She cries out in shock, but hides her fear,

her shoe takes on new life, Transformer is here!

Fashion problem no longer, she discovered the way,

All she needs is her Transformer shoe to save the day.